Useless Foodie Gifts

Kind of early to be writing this, you might think, but written it must be. Better too soon than too sorry.

So let's start with an outfit called SoireeHome, which announced its holiday product line this morning. The items are described as housewares useful to wine collectors: stoppers, aerators, chillers, and so on. Handsome as they may be, they're not only unnecessary but ineffective, yet they do appear attractive in a utilitarian way. So if you're not a wine drinker and you want a gift for someone who's into wine, you could find them appealing.

The price runs from $18 to $50, depending on which piece of crap you pick. Believe me, though, when I say that no wine connoisseur would be caught dead actually using any of these.

Then there's the Nomiku, a sous-vide device for home cooks that isn't even in production yet. Reserve one today for only $1 and you'll ship it to you in March, 2013. (Good luck with that.) If you've ever dreamed of cooking a steak to a perfect medium rare and you're too lazy to turn on the stove and sautéeing one, or too cheap to order one in a café, this might be for you. (It'll come out kind of gray, though.) My point here isn't to cast aspersions on sous-vide cooking; the concept verges on self-parody without my words. My beef (rare, please) is with the Nomiku itself, an immersion heater (maybe $5 at a travel store) hooked up to a thermocouple (maybe $10 at a hardware store), which carries the pricetag of, get ready, $359.

There's a hilarious series of updates (for backers only) which suggest that the 2,000 or so folks who've donated to the funding of this travesty have truly missed the point.

And, dang, here's another one: ten "gift ideas" for wine lovers from a site that's normally more reliable, Snooth.com.

What would I give? Or like to get? A decanter, most likely. But not this one from Target, piece of crap. No need, as it happens, to spend $100 & up. Can "make do" with this from Bed-Bath-Beyoncé, 20 bucks.