You want bad news? Here's some really bad news.

All this gnashing of teeth over the election results, it's just going to make your jaw tired. Save your molars for the serious stuff, like these news items for the morning feedbag.

Upset about Monsanto defeating the GMO initiative? Take heart, here's Cargill, the grain & beef processor, telling Reuters that--in the interests of "transparency"--they're henceforth going to give a new name to that meat counter stuff known as pink slime: FTB. That's Finely Textured Beef, dontcha know, the gummy goo they scrape from the bones and hides of dead cows.

Cargill's finely textured beef is a processed meat product made from chunks of beef, including trimmings, and exposed to citric acid to kill E. coli and other dangerous contaminants. The product, which Cargill has made since 1993, is used to produce higher-volume, less fatty ground beef.

Cargill said the new ground-beef packaging, slated to debut early next year, came about after the agribusiness firm surveyed more than 3,000 consumers over the past 18 months about their views on ground beef and how it is made.

There! Now, don't you feel better already?

Moving along to the beverage front, two items:

An outfit called International Spirits has just announced the launch of its "Naughty Nog" eggnog, which is part of its "Ivanabitch" brand. The new eggnog is made with rum and vodka, and is produced in The Netherlands. Ivanabitch's first product, released earlier this year: the world's first tobacco and menthol tobacco flavored vodkas. Inhale, exhale.

And if smoking's not your thing, you can toast the holidays with a new sparkling liqueur from an outfit called LeSutra made from vodka and white wine.The mix comes in a fancy bottle, which is supposed to make it worth the $30 pricetag. Let's see, 500 ml of Monarch for maybe $5, plus 250 ml of wine at $2, means you're paying almost $25 for the fancy bottle. But, hey, fun!

Finally, on the truly depressing side of things, something called Spray Thin, an "appetite suppressant" that comes in sweet and savory. You're supposed to spritz it on your food, and after six months you've lost weight! But if it doesn't change the taste of the food, what does it do? Signals your brain to eat less, sez the manufacturer, gomidasdirect.com. They also sell Prebiotic Aging Serum (for realz), an Elixir of Love (Donizetti) and a supply of Huile de Serpent (mail order only; license required).