Batshit bonkers, this is. The latest Starbucks product has nothing to do with coffee. That's not news, in and of itself, because the Mermaid has long ago lost any semblance of virtue or purity. Sneaking out the window after dark to have sex with strangers, that's not news, either. Now the front door is wide open and the whole house reeks of cheap perfume.
A friend said to me the other day, "Well, at least Starbucks never did flavored coffee. "But what about Frappuccino?" I shot back. "Oh my god, so good," came the reply. And indeed the Frappuccino-Your-Way campaign, which flashed across our consciousness a couple of years back like a bolt of summer lightning, seems to have taken hold, except that the latest version is no longer gluten-free. Our girl's defense actually makes sense ("I never said the original was gluten-free, so I don't have to say the new version now includes gluten").
Still, we're reminded of that other adventure she had with the guy from Vivanno, the really smooth-looking boy with the whey protein. He's still in town, we see him hanging around the store, but our little girl has moved on. Gluten, whey, fiber, there's so much out there to keep track of.
The latest: the Mermaid is entering the "plant-based protein" category. What the? A new "Protein Blended Cold Brew" in almond and cacao flavors. Sixteen-ounce frozen drinks, non-dairy because of course, made from pea- and brown-rice protein. While supplies last, they say (read: we don't know if we're going to sell any at all). An extension of the Starbucks Cold Brew line, which was introduced three years ago.
But just stop and think about this: pea-and-brown-rice smoothies.Who in their right mind would ever order such slop? Did the Mermaid do any focus groups? Is our girl afraid that the slinky tart on the next corner will seduce her customers unless she keeps coming up with new tricks? Is there no one at 2401 Utah with a milligram of sense?
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